Sunday, January 30, 2011

Please Understand Me ~ My Silent Cry For Help

Wilson -from Castaway

There are more teachers in a mental institution (In Malaysia) than any other professions ~ from a reliable statistics

The number of teachers at public schools who took leave for depression or other kinds of mental health problems marked a record 4,178 ~ The Japan Times

Sangat penat dan sangat susah hati. Aku rasa sedih sangat. Cubalah fahami masalah aku or else I'll end up in a mental institution. SERIOUSLY. Aku tak tahan dengan kehidupan aku sekarang. Balik rumah, tengok pintu, tengok rumah, tengok TV, tidur, pergi kerja, balik rumah, esok pergi kerja balik, menghadap pelajar yang tak mahu belajar. I need some companion. Someone that I can talk too. Girlfriend? That is long time over and I am not planning to elaborate more on that. Dan kalau ada girlfriend pun mungkin menambah masalah aku ni.

Please understand me. Sekarang ni cuti sekolah. I am trying to get over school problem. Ada 7 hari lagi sebelum sekolah buka semula dan aku baru sahaja sampai Rawang. Tak kan nak balik dah? Tak sampai pun 24 jam jejak punggung. Bagila aku release tension dulu. For the last two weeks I don't have anybody to talk to. Now I am surrounded by many people and you want to go home instantly. Yes you will be there but you just don't understand. I've poured my heart out to you about the school problems and all but you don't seem to understand. I don't blame you for that. Maybe because we are in a different era and I am expecting too much. The journey is not physically tiring but it is mentally exhausting. Nak balik tergesa-gesa sebab apa? Bukan ada apa pun. I know it is a fact that you 'love' the house but please think about me too. Now I become easily disturbed and more bad tempered than ever. I am so sorry but please, at least try to understand the phase that I am going through.

Aku rasa, aku pun boleh jadi macam Tom Hanks macam dalam cerita Castaway tu. Jadi mental. End up talking to a volley ball named Wilson just to get his sanity. And that proves so much that having someone to talk to (and understand) is crucial for the sake of ones sanity.

So because of all that and everything else that I am experiencing, I keep pestering Well Celltone to come here to save my sanity until he gave in. So what is the problem now? I have known him (and his entire family) for 5 years now. Since he was in Form 1. I was there when his mother died, I was there when his grandmother died and when his father became paralyzed after a mishap in a logging camp. In fact, cikgu-cikgu and budak-budak kat sekolah lama aku ada yang panggil aku Apai Well (Well's father) sebab aku memang dah anggap dia macam anak/adik aku sendiri. Kakak dia pun dah masuk Islam way before I know him, so kalau pasal makanan ataupun way of life memang takde masalah lah sebab dia memang dijaga oleh his Muslim sister. So what is the actual issue? Money? He won't 'cost' a lot, that I can assure you. (Me in an institution will cost Me more)

So what is the problem? You can't understand me, at least please let people who can understand me come and be my companion. I am desperately in need of someone to talk to. I know it seems strange that someone that is dyslexic can understand me well, but that is the power of Allah s.w.t; He takes something important and gives something else in return. I am tired. I am so tired. I have no friends here. All of them had left. I came back just because you had asked me to (and I agree). Now let me have a little bit of my sanity back. Please understand me........

P/S: Although I try to put a brave front but my interior is crumbling on a very fast rate. Ya Allah, please make her understand.

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